This is a story of the atrocities that fellow human beings are capable of but ultimately…this is the story of my “coming out”. I was 14 at the time, I had gone to live with my sister and things had been rocky but tolerable there. When I think of it, she being the age that I am now, it’s full on to comprehend that she had 2 very young children and had taken me, her sister and a teenage girl at that, on. That is no excuse.
I don’t pretend or aim to be some virgin mary….I had had heterosexual sex with a couple of guys and had been exploring same sex liaisons before this time. I guess when u delve down into it like I did by way of pretty intense neo-psychoanalysis you see the reasons why but at the time I wanted intimacy. Intimacy to me was something I aspired to, something I didn’t understand and believed I needed to trade sex for. Intimacy to me meant having sex with somebody to gain a closeness that I didn’t know any other way to obtain.
I’m sure that I gave some wayward “vibes” to people at that time, and even participated
in some less than savoury acts from which I never gained any satisfaction or long awaited
intimacy. I guess this is my disclaimer because still to this day, I feel guilt that I may have led a 28 year old man into raping my 14 year old body. I am full of anger now finally, and distrust. Initially I guess I liked the attention, to be treated as an adult, to be taken underage to pubs and clubs, to be spoken to as though my opinion counted for something. But that night one of my sister’s friends took it too far.
He had played the good guy, gotten me into a concert which I had been dying to see. I knew he looked at me with those intrusive, sexual eyes but I felt relatively safe and I guess, even trusted him as a friend of my sisters. Then one night when I was in year 9, I was staying up late watching reruns of old horror films eating chocolate which had become common place to me, he had come into the lounge room. My sister and her partner and kids were in bed and he sat down on the couch next to me. I’ll never forget those glazed, drunken eyes and alcohol fuelled breath as he made a pass at me.
I remember his alcohol laced breath forcing his mouth onto mine. His glazed eyes looking past me. Him pushing his hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t alert my sister in the next room. Me thinking that I have to be quiet because I don’t want my nephews to wake and see what is going on.
I told my sister not long after. She told me it takes 2 to tango.
I have been with both women and men since that time. Being sold out by my sister and other women in my life I chose to see men even after the rape. I went on to prostitute myself and have 2 week meaningless “relationships” for many years after. I loved women but I felt betrayed. A man had raped me but the betrayal was more harsh from my sister, a woman. I played with men for years. Interjected by women who I became too attached to for my liking, so I would destroy it. It is 2011, I am 29 and I am no longer living in fear and denial.
I was raped. I fought off potential rapes (another story entirely!!!). I have a son who I am
trying to help become a decent and respectful man. And I now know that every woman isn’t
out to hurt and betray me. I have become stronger and can finally admit to myself my desire to eventually settle down with the woman of my dreams.